Another day down

It is yet another day and though it was nothing like yesterday, it was still okay. Thing 3 decided to cut my walk early because apparently, we had other plans today. I am confused at this thing that is motherhood. Is there some gene that I am lacking because I really just don't feel that maternal. I see these women who can console their children and who speak softly to them and the children listen. I am just not one of those women. I struggle with my children because of who I perceive them to be and also who I want them to be. Not that my children are that bad, I just think that they should behave considering their ages. Is that too much to ask? Really? I think I must have missed that class in heaven but I got extra credit in my sarcasm class because I can do that and not even realize it. But alas, I am wondering if perhaps Thing 3 is a bit sick or at the very least has an upset stomach. My sister thinks it is just something that I ate not agreeing with the baby. Who knows. I thought for a moment that perhaps some lactic acid was crossing over into my milk and therefore upsetting Thing 3's tummy but I'm not so sure. I keep reading about fussy children and that it is just normal and kids outgrow it by...oh, wait, that said that Thing 3 should have outgrown it by now. I guess my child is just special. Yay for me. With the mass of children being born in my neighborhood one would think that I could find sympathy from a kindred mother but I really just think that maybe I breed dysfunctionality. Is that genetic? Hmmph, I'll have to look that one up.

As for the workout today, it was okay I suppose. My ankles and knees have been giving me trouble lately and I just keep thinking to myself that I am not old enough to be feeling this broken. I wonder at what age does is it acceptable to be feeling this broken. If 50 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30, is 30 the new 20 and then from there we're all back in a pre-pubescent stage of life? I think I'll skip that. I think perhaps that all my extra weight is making itself known. Well let me tell you something, fat, your time here is running out and there is a bounty on your head! I have mini goals in place now and a walking challenge on dailymile. I have to get in 180 miles before the new year. As I just started yesterday, that means that I have to get in at least 15 miles a week without fail for the rest of the year. As long as I go every week day, I can make it! I have to start doing something. This fat isn't going to leave itself. My next mini goal will be to do crunches and push ups every morning before I leave my room. I suppose I'll have to pick a start date for that and it should probably be soon. Perhaps Monday is a good day to start. I guess 10 regular pushups and 100 crunches. Starting small but starting. Anyone want in on this? (Cricket chirps) I guess that is the empty void that is my readership. What a lonely world it is starting a blog.

The awesomeness that is sleep!

Today turned out to be awesome as far as exercise went. Thing 3 decided to sleep for the entire time and I ate it up! So because of this, I doubled my workout time and added almost three extra miles to my distance today! Yay!!! By the end of the workout it was just me and Thing 3 but I'll take it if the little one will sleep. There was no rushing to get home so that the neighbors wouldn't hear the blood curdling screams that can come from such a small person. Score one for me! I had partners today. Score another one for me! I extended my distance almost three miles! Can it get any better? I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings. As for the rest of the day I was trying to save my calories because I attended a recipe swap and the theme was Italian. I think my non-alcoholic Tirimisu sans coffee turned out alright. Honestly, I don't know because I didn't try it. Not because it didn't look good, but because there was just too much guilt lying on my shoulders because of the carbohydrate rich Italian food that found its way to my plate. I am, after all, trying to lose weight, not find it. And trust me, that is one sure way to find it.

So one of my friends asked me for the website that I used to figure out how many calories I should consume to lose weight and I couldn't remember so I looked it up. It is very helpful I found for many reasons. It gives all kinds of information on diet fads, diet needs, exercise, diet plans, emotional eating, etc. I haven't been through everything yet on the site but I plan on it. For now this seems to be the place for me but I'm sure if I find something else I will mention it. It is called www.freedieting.com and I find it useful.

I am going to start setting mini goals so that I can achieve more in less time. Right now I think if I can lose 2 pounds a week, which is healthy, then I can reach my weight goal in about five months. I would like to reach it sooner but it is what it is. I am not focused on a number though. At least I am not focused on the number that my scale tells me, I will take it if I can fit into some size 5 jeans which for me will probably never happen since I was "blessed," and I use that term lightly, with mega birthing hips. Oh well, I don't want to lose hope because of a number. Which is also why I don't hold much stock in the number my scale tells me because I can't quite fathom how it could have happened. I guess only time will tell and so will my jeans. Sadly I wore my jeans until the day I gave birth and I zipped them up too but I think they fit worse now then they did while I was pregnant and I weigh about twenty pounds less. That is depressing! Anybody want a muffin top? I'm done with it!

I'm back! But things are highly suspect!

I suppose I never really left but I haven't been pounding the pavement recently due to bad air quality. I took a week off and frankly, it showed. It didn't help that ALL my partners failed to show. I have been asking everybody under the sun to join me so that this never happens but no such luck. I went the usual route today and I am happy to say that I even did that. There was just no motivation for me today. I had a weekend of being spoiled by The Man and now I have to get out and make up for that. I have been doing surprisingly well with the calorie counting. I think the issue with me is that I have been choosing bad food lately and that is what has been packing on my lbs. Now that I have to be aware of my food choices I am noticing that doing that alone reduces the amount of food and how often I eat because there are no snacks for me to eat if I get guilt just from looking at the nutritional info on the package. I have never been much for pastries or sweets or even bread until I had Things 2 and 3 and that surprises me. Now I have no problem sitting down and eating a loaf of bread. But since I started counting calories I have been staying away from the baked goods for the most part. I went through a doughnut stage but I am over that, I went through an artisan bread stage and that one still gets me but I'm working on it, and I went through a binging stage and I have since come to a realization as to what that was about. There was no purging involved but since I am a bored eater I tend not to stop if it tastes good. Recently I noticed also that if I let myself get hungry I binge terribly and by terribly I don't just mean quantity, I mean quality too.

So as I said, last week was a bust. No exercise other than cleaning the house and all the walking around that involves and only about half and half on the cc. So this morning I was happy just to have gotten outside of the house. Score one for me! I ate a rather large breakfast because Thing 2 decided that wheat toast was not preferable and I hate to see food go to waste, especially expensive food (yet another problem I have) so like the good trash compactor that I am I ate the toast. Combined with my own breakfast (a bowl of cereal) and I came out at a whopping 420 for breakfast. After my walk/run of 4.11 miles I came home and ate not one but two nectarines which, sadly have almost twice the calories of my peaches. How disappointing. After sitting around waiting for the time to pass until I had to pick up children from school I did my usual routine of weighing myself in the buff just before I get in the shower and I have to say I was not expecting much. Who would? Staring down at my scale I was led to ponder the question, "exactly how do you know if your scale is broken?" Seriously? After having such a bad week both with exercise and with eating, how could I have lost two pounds? I think my Taylor scale is teasing me, taunting me with the hope that my workouts and my efforts of reducing my caloric intake is actually doing something. Well I'll tell you what, Taylor scale, I'll change my ticker again this week but I will not be surprised when you tell me next week that I've gained 80 pounds because if you're lying to me...believe me, your days are numbered! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times and you will be in the garbage can faster than you can say "wait!" I'll just leave you next to the garbage can as incentive to tell me the truth. Just a little reminder, if you will.

I'm a little off...

So last week was a BUST! Terrible for me because I was hoping that I could keep up the good work. I see other people who are at the same point as me postpartum and wonder why I have four, count them, four butts! Now you are probably thinking that is impossible but trust me, if you saw it, you'd understand. My calorie counting for the week has been less than stellar. The beginning of the week was not so bad but then The Man decided to spoil me. He cooked, he cleaned (sort of), he...other things which shall remain unmentioned because this is a family show. As such, my food intake has been over the top at least for the the last three days. There are times when I could strangle The Man because I do not work for The Man. And there are times when it amazes me that he does not complain when I ask him to help out...hmmm, he just makes jokes or excuses. Regardless of which, I love this man so much! Most of all because he didn't comment on my weight even though I know he knows what it is because my scale got stuck one day and it was there for all the world to see before I even noticed it. But I digress. This whole weight roller coaster that I'm on needs to peak sometime. I'm mostly on a plateau but I am waiting on the down hill slope. I have not yet seen it and the thrill that ensues at the sight of what's coming next has yet to hit me. So far I'm just wondering how I got here.

Hopefully this upcoming week will bring some huge strides for me. I am learning how to cut calories, not food. I have been searching, nay, scouring the internet for delicious recipes that my family will eat without being too obvious that they are low cal. The Man said he would start eating the food I cook rather than me cooking the food he wants because now he has a gut. I don't really see it but he does. Oh well, I'll take it! It helps me out immensely because I never used to eat like this until the past four years or so and that is when I started packing on the pounds. Weight loss tip of the day...as they say you shouldn't shop while hungry, don't look for recipes while hungry either. Let me just say from experience that the Tiramisu I have been researching for a recipe swap pales in comparison to the bacon and cheese bread that I happened upon while looking. Just an FYI, the theme for the swap is "Italian" which I am not particularly fond of. I associate "Italian" food with heavy, overindulgent, carbohydrate laden food. That and all the fat people that are in the mafias on TV. That may sound a prejudiced but it is what it is.

I begin my walking routine again tomorrow hopefully with some new faces because I tell everyone I see to join us. I think the more the merrier when it comes to exercise. That way hopefully I will always have someone to go with and I won't shirk my exercise because I can. I just have to remember, "I will not be on the website 'the people of Walmart'."  See, Walmart is good for something. Fingers Crossed! Wish me luck!

I am not a smoker.

It is early Wednesday morning and I am waiting to see what the weather will bring. So far this week has been a bust except for calorie counting and even that is suspect. Monday brought bad air quality and so did Tuesday so I could not in good conscience take Thing 3 out just for the sake of my waistline. I am not a smoker and don't want Thing 3 to be one either and it would have been just like exposing ourselves to that fate. Anyway, yesterday I thought I'd try to keep busy because I don't remember what I did on Monday. I think I cleaned a bit but it is easier for me to eat less if I am busy because I am a bored eater. So Tuesday, the same as Monday, came with no workout which is my own fault because I have been known to walk the mall with all the old people in the morning. I tried to get ahold of MR but to no avail. I had planned on going with her if her air quality was better than mine. But I digress. So Tuesday, with all its bells and whistles, brought me to a place I really shouldn't go. I was on the internet looking up recipes for dinner and for what to do with this great big zuke that my father gave me. Normally I am uncreative when it comes to dinner but lately I have been trying different things. Earlier this week we had balsamic chicken for dinner which was awesome! And it was low cal too! Can't beat that.  Yesterday I made a spicy Asian beef dish which I turned into lettuce wraps. Also very good. I was watching a cooking segment on my local news and they used leeks and for some strange reason that sounded good so I searched the net for leek recipes. I now realize that I have eaten leeks before and just not realized it. The Man said it is definitely something I can repeat so I'll mark that one down in the old noggin. And to top off my list of indulgences, I normally make zucchini bread but I thought I'd try something else. I made Zucchini Brownies. Also good. Well, I suppose the fam liked them because only half the pan is left and when The Man came home he snuck one before he knew what it was. I just laughed. He couldn't go back and say "eewww, zucchini, I can't eat that" after he already had a look of indulgent enjoyment on his face while biting into the brownie. In all actuality, the brownies were for my neighbor but they obviously didn't get there. Perhaps today I'll just make more. I have quite a lot of zucchini left as it was a big one. As for calorie counts I guess it wasn't too bad. It turns out the spicy Asian beef was 381 calories a serving and the brownies were a whopping 210 calories per serving which might have been more for me since I didn't think there was enough batter for a 9x13 pan so I put it in my 11x7. Alas, I guess my day for calorie counting was not as bad as I supposed because whilst I was cooking, baking, and cleaning, I was not eating! Hooray for small successes. I'll have to keep my low cal dinners going because I didn't even realize they were low cal. I guess my earlier post about not getting enough food while calorie restricting was wrong. I find that I have to be more conscious of where my calories go instead of haphazardly eating. I realize though, that most of my dinner cooking has been fairly low cal and I didn't know it. At least when I made my own sauces. So that I don't lose these recipes, I'll post them here for myself and any who happen to read this blog.

Asian Fire Meat

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon sesame oil
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 3 cloves garlic, crushed
• 1 large red onion, chopped
• ground black pepper to taste
• 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• 2 tablespoons sesame seeds
• 2 leeks, chopped
• 1 small carrot, chopped
• 1 pound beef London Broil, sliced paper thin

Directions

1. In a large bowl, mix together the soy sauce, sesame oil, brown sugar, garlic, and red onion. Stir in the black pepper, red pepper flakes, sesame seeds, leeks and carrot. Mix in the meat by hand to ensure even coating. Cover and let marinate for at least 2 hours or overnight.
2. Brush the bottom half of a wok with cooking oil, and heat over medium-high heat. Put in all of the meat and marinade at once, and cook stirring constantly. The meat will be cooked after just a few minutes. Remove from heat and serve with rice or noodles. For Korean style fire meat, roll the meat mixture up in a leaf of red lettuce.

Zucchini Brownies

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 1 1/2 cups white sugar
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups shredded zucchini
• 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour a 9x13 inch baking pan.
2. In a large bowl, mix together the oil, sugar and 2 teaspoons vanilla until well blended. Combine the flour, 1/2 cup cocoa, baking soda and salt; stir into the sugar mixture. Fold in the zucchini and walnuts. Spread evenly into the prepared pan.
3. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes in the preheated oven, until brownies spring back when gently touched.

If there is any left, I may post pictures but we'll see.

And the total is...

Wait for it...wait for it...ding ding ding ding ding! 1526! Hooray!!!! My goal was 1272 as per some random website telling me how many calories I should take in considering my weight, height, and how I want to lose weight, but considering the fact that I am nursing and the recommended calorie addition on that is 500 I think I did alright! I still had a 254 calorie excess for the nursing and I did exercise today. I also got in quite a lot of water today, not all of it but probably 85% of it. That's better than I have done so far so I think I can call today a good day! Hooray! I am so excited! Maybe something will actually come of this rather than just maintaining. Yay! Now I can go to sleep happy!

Day One...isn't even done.

So this calorie counting thing is getting me down. It's lunchtime on my first day and I'm already up to 876 calories and all I've had today is a bowl of cereal this morning, a peach, and a bagel with cream cheese. I guess I should have skipped the bagel. I am limited, however, with my food resources as I have not gone grocery shopping for vegetables. It seems like I'll be eating a lot of them because they seem to have the least amount of calories. Maybe I'm just used to eating more and that is my problem, I don't know. I always hear people talking about their diets saying, "it's a lot of food..." wherein I think in my mind, "liar!" when they describe to me what their diet entails. This American lifestyle that I've become so used to has been my detriment! I grew up with a garden, fresh fruits and vegetables, and never feeling hungry while never having a problem with my weight. In fact, I never had a problem with my weight until after kids. I don't know if it's hormones, diet, exercise or what but it's got me down. My yoga this morning KICKED MY BUTT! So very sad. I recall doing that same workout before having Thing 3 and thinking, "this isn't so bad, I like this even." And now I realize that I am less limber than I used to be, my stamina sucks, and my muscles are very weak! I think I will definitely feel this tomorrow. Hopefully in a good way. But probably not. Sore legs, hooker heels, and a baby with car seat, don't mix.

New things!

I was on a website and found another blog with this cool widget. I love it! It keeps track of my mileage so I don't have to keep mentioning in my posts for my records. I hope somebody comments on my widget or my blog to motivate me. I guess I'll have to do the same. Today was a little short because of Thing 3 but maybe I'll be able to get in some mileage tomorrow after The Man gets home from work. (Fingers Crossed) I find it strange but I am finally getting into the groove of things and I am enjoying my walks but I think it is entirely due to having people to walk with. I don't know that I could do it by myself but the longer I go, the more likely I think that will be the case. Next step...Calorie reduction! Weight loss tip of the day...duh duh duh....calorie reduction! I know all these things sound pretty obvious but I have always thought that I could just eat less and I would be fine but the more research that I do I realize that if I eat half of a 2500 calorie meal I'm still getting more calories than I need for the day so I am not doing as much good as I thought. So I will have to start counting calories until I get the hang of things and work out a system. As for now, I think I need to step it up a notch. There may be a family function in the near future and I don't want to show up looking like Jabba the Hut. Muu muus just don't do it for me so I guess I'll have to get my butt in gear and my curb my appetite!

Pounding the pavement

So another day of exercise comes and goes. I added another walking partner to my group which is great because then hopefully someone will always be able to go with me.  Tuesday we pounded out 4.13 mi of steep hills and graduated hills, Wednesday was another 4.1 mi also of hills, some of them different, and today ended up being about 4.96 mi of walking and jogging up hills. I tried to keep up with, or rather, outdo CB because I just can't stand to have someone beat me unless I know there is no hope. I'm a realist. I have no dilusions of grandeur when it comes to my abilities. So far I'm doing well considering the fact that I generally get shin splints. Thing 3 is hopefully coming to expect our little outings. There has been less crying at least less crying all at once. I don't feel much different as far as the lbs or inches are concerned. I will, however, change my ticker to reflect my current weight. I don't know if my starting weight was wrong or not but I guess I'll take it. I realize, though, why it is important not to weigh yourself everyday. I look at myself after each run and think, "hey, Porker! what's going on?" The scale has stayed pretty constant until this morning when it said two pounds higher. I blame the Chipotle's burrito that I ate the other day. My body must be saving some for later. That better stop!
I've been having cold food cravings lately. I have been wanting popsicles like mad. Question? How many popsicles does it take to totally negate my run? Whatever the answer, I probably ate that many.
Yay for running tallies! This week so far has been my best. 13.19 miles so far and at least one more day to go! I guess it's strange that I'm almost excited to go walking! That's what having companions does for you! Yay for motivation!

Week number two...uh, I mean three...

So, last week, which should have been week number two, was a bust. I think I only exercised twice, 3.37mi and 4.07mi. But I did weigh in on Tuesday, but I don't quite know what to make of it because I lost three pounds. Now, normally I would be ecstatic because I had a terrible first week and I still lost three pounds but I'm thinking I'll have to chalk this one up to a bad beginning weight. I'm not even going to change my ticker until next weigh in. So, I was thinking, can we just call last week a bye week? Huh? Uh, I didn't think so. Well, this next week looks promising already because I have a new walking partner. My other one is only available twice a week and on bank holidays. It makes for weak motivation when my motivation is not letting them down. I need to get into the mindset of not letting ME down. That would be good. I have taken up some new craft hobbies which only work for me if I'm skinny so I guess I better get my butt in gear. I have too much to lose and too much to gain by losing so I hope I can do this. Scratch that, I will do this! Weight loss tip of the day, love yourself. Something I need to work on so that I do this for me and not for anyone else. I can tell myself that nobody likes fat people or that my kids make innocent comments about people's weight or that doctors say this isn't healthy but until I say, I want to lose weight, I will be happier when I do it, I can do it, nothing will change because it has to be for me. So I am beginning today. I will lose weight for me, I will be healthy, I will exercise and LIKE IT, I will be more of a person but look like less of one! I will change. I will do this now! I will do this always!

Moral Dilemma

So yesterday started out as I thought it would and then there was mud in my house. Therefore leaving me to clean it up. So any hopes of exercise went out the window as Fridays are short days so I didn't have time. Instead I decided to use the zukes that have been staring me down for the past few weeks. I made some oh so good blueberry zucchini bread. It was delish! So normally when I bake I try to share it so that I don't eat it all myself. In comes the dilemma. Do I share this very tasty bread with my friend, who is probably on a diet because she is my walking partner, thus probably ruining her nutrition choices for the day or perhaps two days because it is just that good, or do I keep this to myself? Well, if I were a good friend I wouldn't try to tempt her I would support her in her goals so guess what I chose...? He, he, he. I really am trying to be a good friend so if you're reading this...it tasted good but aren't you so glad that I didn't give you any that would tempt you?  Luv you! :D But so that I am not being entirely selfish, I'll give you the recipe so that you can make your own decision.

• 3 eggs, lightly beaten
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 3 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 1/4 cups white sugar
• 2 cups shredded zucchini
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
• 1 pint fresh blueberries

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease 4 mini-loaf pans.
2. In a large bowl, beat together the eggs, oil, vanilla, and sugar. Fold in the zucchini. Beat in the flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, and cinnamon. Gently fold in the blueberries. Transfer to the prepared mini-loaf pans.
3. Bake 50 minutes in the preheated oven, or until a knife inserted in the center of a loaf comes out clean. Cool 20 minutes in pans, then turn out onto wire racks to cool completely.

I tallied up the miles this week and it isn't bad I guess. It's better than nothing I suppose. 12.69 miles my first week out of the gate is not too shabby. Hoping next week will be better!

Can I coin a phrase?

I have made it another day which, in my current state of mind, is a huge feat. It's not been a week and I'd like to crawl up on the couch and take a nap. As far as things go, I went (accompanied) 3.69 miles today with some good hills in the mix. I don't know if I could have done it alone but since I had company it seemed easy. At least, after the fact it did. I thought I would have a good day today but I had company who brought me lunch so that went out the window. I don't think I even tried to drink enough water today. I let Thing 2 drink from my mug probably so that it wasn't staring me down crying, "drink me, drink me." I can hear it even now. It's haunting. I think for my next tip of the day I would have to say SLEEP. Sleep, because when you don't have it, you notice it and I noticed it today. The yawns, the droopy eyelids...I almost didn't make it. Oh, wait, I didn't. I fell asleep at a most inopportune time in the early evening. It was dinner time of course so Thing 1 and Thing 2 were lucky enough to have fries for dinner. I know that's pathetic and not at all in keeping up with my "healthstyle" (hey, can I coin that phrase? It was mine first! I call dibs!)but at least they weren't deep fried. They were baked. Hah! Don't be fooled. They were Ore Ida fries made to be like fast food fries so still not healthy or even healthier by any stretch of the imagination. Ah well, c'est la vie as long as I keep going but I've already got it in my mind not to go tomorrow. Can I just say loser?

The odds are stacked against me!

So day three of exercise came and went and guess what? I was in the mix! YAY ME!! The morning came with no motivation and no answers to the "calls for help" that I was sending. But, hallelujah! The phone rang! And my prayers were answered! I packed up Thing 3 and met up with CB and we  got on our way. There was, however, no silence to be had. There was a soundtrack of epic proportions to be heard over our conversation. Thing 3 would be heard! That is right, people, we spent 4 miles grooving to the sound of screams! Now I know you are just brimming with jealousy but here's the good part....wait for it...nothing motivates a mom to exercise faster than the sound of a banshee shaped like your kid. Truly, I moved much quicker than I otherwise would have past all the evil glares and stares of astonishment and...my favorite, looks of irritation I garnered from all whom I passed. Perhaps it was in my head but nonetheless I found my motivation! Not that I enjoy the sound of nails on a chalkboard, but I was grateful that CB did not mind. At least I garnered no ill will from her. Though, I wonder if she noticed the volume of my conversation rising with the vicissitudes of Thing 3's pitch. Thus with the beginning of my day starting out so well, the rest of the day continued on the same note. I ate poorly, drank little, and frankly I could have used a nap. I should have taken one, too! At least it would have made me happy for a few minutes. Though I probably would have had to take a nap in the bathroom. It cuts down on the interruptions.
On a more...intellectual note, I was wondering if your weight fluctuates within a couple of pounds, at what point can you actually say you lost that weight? And do you have to keep in mind the last time you had a movement? I know that's gross but it's something to consider. When people go in for a weigh in, or however they do it, do they, in conjunction with shedding all extra accessories, ie. shoes, jewelry, etc. do they consider internal accessories?
Well, to end this on a more positive note, my day was not bad. It was my "fitness day" (which, I call it that because I'm not technically on a diet) that was bad. But it's early yet and I have a long way to go.
Quote of the day: "Nothing tastes as good as fitting into those skinny jeans." Amen, sista! I mention sista specifically because if a guy told me that I think we'd be going to blows depending on which hormone was in control at that moment. I guess he could luck out and only have to watch me cry as opposed to ripping his intestines out through his nose. (Oh, think happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.)